Me Too - My Story + The Path to Healing

Recently, I went to dinner with three women - we dined at the same restaurant that my boyfriend and I went to on our first date. 

In conversation, I casually mentioned that I let Alex walk me home that first night because "I thought I could take him.”

Immediately, one of the women said, "I would never want to date a guy I thought I could beat up." 

That was not the first time I said I felt comfortable around a man because I thought I could protect myself... I always joke that, in spite of my small frame, I can physically "take" most men. 

And, I am sure that was not the first time a woman questioned my desire to overpower a romantic partner. Yet, that night, her statement hit me. Hard. 

Why did I want to date a guy I could ‘take’? That question swirled in my mind for days to come.  

Making the Connection - The Origin of the Story

I realized that I did that - told myself I could "take a man" - as a form of self-protection. 

I am confident that I finally made this connection because I’ve recently been “doing the work” to heal, again. 

Someone once brilliantly said, "healing is not linear.” That has been my experience. 

Last year, I realized I was not as “healed” as I thought - I still harbored a lot of visceral pain and post-traumatic stress from sexual traumas I experienced as a teenager.  As the pain from my past experiences began to permeate my life, I prayed for a healer.

Intuitively, I knew that whatever I did, I needed to process my pain on a physical level.

To provide some context - I stopped drinking alcohol and abusing prescription drugs when I was 19 years-old, on February 17th, 2007. The years leading up to that date were horrific. 

A few months after I stopped drinking, I started weekly counseling sessions with a woman who specialized in trauma and addiction. At that point, in 2007, there were a lot of things inside of me that needed to be healed: The issues that acted as the catalyst for my suicide attempt at age 15. The subsequent suicides of my father and step-mother when I was 16 and 17. The problems I had with my family. And, above all, my pain and my shame from physical violence and sexual assaults. 

It was healing for me to speak to my therapist. Yet, last year, I learned that working with my therapist many years ago was only the first layer of relief in my healing process. Therefore, it’s unsurprising that I created a narrative around being stronger-than to protect myself from men. 

Stepping into Honesty Through Conscious Work

In August, the Universe connected me with Blake. Blake is an incredible healer and breath-worker. Through her guidance, I am moving through a program she developed called Sacral Embodiment. 

A couple of weeks ago, I sat with Blake before our session and I sobbed.  As I sat in front of her - crying harder than I have in years - I shared with her and she listened.

I told her how I wanted my memories to go away. I shared my doubt that they ever will. 

I doubt that I will ever get to a place where I won’t have flashbacks of what he did to me many years ago. 

Not only what "he" did to me. 

But, also what "he" did to me. 

And, "him", too. 

There are more than one "he's" in my story...

Over the last few months, I have thought a lot about him. And him. And, him. 

In my daily meditations, I focus on forgiveness. Forgiving them. Most importantly, forgiving myself.

Given the fact I have been focusing on my personal experience with sexual traumas for the past couple of months, it was almost surreal to see the large volume of "me too’s" that flooded my social media feed on the morning of October 16, 2017.

Almost. 

Since I wrote the article "What's Stopping You?" in 2015, countless women have reached out to me to share their own personal stories of violence, rape, and sexual assault. I know more women who have been sexually assaulted - assaulted, not just harassed - than women who haven't been inappropriately touched by a man. 

As I said at the beginning, I wanted a boyfriend that I could "take" because he (and he and he) physically hurt me. 

And I don’t ever want to be hurt again.

More so because I don’t want to have another real-life nightmare to remember. 

It’s really uncomfortable for me to share my story. But, for me, I’ve learned that staying silent sucks more. 

Every time I share my story, I feel lighter. Its almost as if it has less power over me as the listener walks away, carrying with them some of my words. Brene Brown says it best, “vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to feeling worthiness”.

I wholeheartedly hope that the vulnerable act of sharing “me too” will prompt the connection that leads to worthiness in both women and men. How sad and powerful was it to see that many women speaking up? What can I do to ensure that young girls will not have to face what generations of women have endured? 

I know that the men who hurt me were hurt, too. That’s no excuse. But, it is a damn good reason for me to take the necessary steps to heal. If I am hurt, I am bound to hurt myself and others, too. 

Thank you for reading my words. For each set of eyes helps me to feel a little bit worthier. 

If you or someone you know suffer from any form of sexual harassment or assault, please seek support: https://www.rainn.org/get-help

Peek Into the Week: 7/27/15

Unsurprisingly, my motivation to finally post a #PeekIntoTheWeek came in the form of a full-grown, slightly domesticated black cat and a good decision. On Saturday, I used my best judgement to postpone a hike up Volcano Mountain to practice outdoor yoga in front of my apartment. Typically, I am eager to do everything; this is one of my best and worst traits. So, I made the good decision to practice patience and take care of myself before I set off for my journey. 

During a gentle, seated twist, Midnight appeared. He came over to say hello and then continued on his way. A few moments later, he returned. I went inside to get him some water, as a gesture of my appreciation. Black cats are my good omen. Every time I see a black cat, I feel as if it is the universe telling me I am moving in the right direction and everything is more than okay. 

Ecstatically, Midnight casually walked right into my apartment. He explored the inside of my abode and stayed to eat a few treats my neighbor brought over and a little bit of cheese. We ended up relaxing and snuggling on the floor of my apartment for the better part of a half hour. As we left for our hike, my heart was full and I hoped to see him again some day soon. 

After hiking for hours in the hot, desert sun, I slept like a baby. Typically, I never sleep past 7AM; on Sunday, I slept until 8. A few moments after I woke up, I faintly heard Midnight and bolted out of bed. When I opened my door, Midnight walked right in and stayed with me the entire morning until I left for the day. In between bouts of playfulness, he peacefully sprawled out on my floor, he was content and at home, I was happy. 

I understand this misaligns with societal superstitions, but Midnight’s presence this weekend majorly motivated me and sparked my desire to take the time to do the “good” things in life. For the last two years, I have selected a theme or an intention for my class sequences and I use the concept as personal inspiration throughout the week. For months and months, I have wanted to openly share these ideas; simply because sharing is positive and powerful and what you put out there, you get back one-thousand fold. 

Therefore, moving forward, I plan to take the time to share a #PeekIntoTheWeek every Monday. It may or may not include a full back story like today’s post; but it will always include my intention and peak posture for the week, as well as a list of classes I teach. 

Peek into the Week:

Intention:

Take time to listen and linger. Find your expression, even if that means a few extra moments in the transition and doing things a bit different than everyone else. If you give it time, the answers and the inspiration will come. Avoid rushing to “finish”, take each move uniquely. 

Peak Pose:

In all level’s classes, we will practice baby crow and tripod with option for variation. In Level Two classes, we will work in to the variation of tripod headstand pictured above. 

I chose this variation because it’s different and being different is a lot of fun. 

Classes for Week of 7/27/15:

BIRD ROCK YOGA

Sunday 5:30PM All Level Vinyasa 

Monday 6:45PM 75 MIN All Level Vinyasa

THE LITTLE YOGA STUDIO

Friday 5:30PM All Level Vinyasa

COREPOWER YOGA SAN DIEGO

Monday

2:30PM C2 North Park

4PM C1.5 North Park

Tuesday

6:00AM C2 North Park

8:45AM Sculpt Mission Valley

1:30PM C2 Mission Valley 

5:30PM HPF North Park

Wednesday

9AM C2 North Park

10:30AM C1 North Park

Thursday

7:15AM C2 Hillcrest 

2:00PM BootCamp Class Pacific Beach

3:30PM Sculpt Pacific Beach

Friday

9:30AM C2 Point Loma 

Struggle, Perseverance, and Perspective

While I was participating in Yoga Teacher Training in 2012, I was invited to be a volunteer/researcher on a trip to Kenya with a nonprofit organized of faculty and staff from DePaul University. At the time, I was wrapping up my first year of graduate school at DePaul and I was absolutely in love with yoga.

I became passionate about international, nonprofit organizations after studying abroad in Cape Town, South Africa in 2010. In Cape Town, I volunteered through a U.S. nonprofit at an orphanage in the township of Khayelitsha. My experience in Cape Town left me with many unanswered questions about U.S. nonprofits operating internationally and I was excited to have an opportunity to personally seek some answers in Kenya. 

Upon arrival to Kenya, the culture shock I experienced stunned me. In preparation for our trip, I focused all of my energy on my research instead of preparing for the journey itself, which was equally as important because of my dual role as a researcher and a volunteer in a third world country.

I naively thought I would be “okay” with volunteering in Kenya since I had spent time in South Africa, I did not consider how the people and the environment would impact me emotionally. Once we arrived, my overwhelming emotion turned to panic. At one of our sites, there was extreme, abject poverty. The community lacked all basic resources: food, water, sanitation, and proper education.

I will never forget that deep sensation of fear, how uncomfortable I felt the moment we arrived to Athi River. There was an animal carcass, dripping in blood, swarmed by flies, hanging in the front window of our hotel; they butchered the meat there. My room was tucked in the far back corner of the building. There were dried, dead mosquitos on my wall and a net covering my bed. As I stood mortified in my hotel-room, I was most pained by the fact that I knew my accommodations were significantly better than the majority of peoples’ living arrangements in the local community. 

I felt guilty for being so uncomfortable in our Kenyan home. At night, it got worse. My room was directly underneath the area the staff stayed. At all hours, indecipherable sounds flooded my room. While I was there, I was miserable. In addition to being scared, hungry, tired, and sick from my malaria medication, I experienced intense sadness and guilt. 

With that said, there were many moments of smiles and laughter, but I still cried every night.

The women and men I met were positive, hardworking, and happy. In spite of my perception of what I thought they “lacked”, they lived meaningful, purpose-filled lives. The gentleman responsible for our stay at the hotel was so kind and sincere, yet I still felt so vulnerable and afraid. It was hard for me to accept their reality, I couldn’t get over it — I could not get over how I “struggled” with things in my life back home, where I had absolutely everything I needed and more, while these people were happily living with next to nothing. 

To come full-circle, I am grateful I pressed pause on teaching yoga to instead volunteer and research in Kenya. Traveling to Kenya made me the teacher I am today. Through the process of experiencing fierce, visceral emotions, I learned how to truly sit with discomfort and fear. In the moment, I was petrified. In hindsight, it is one of my most powerful, cherished memories.

Through this experience, I learned the value of intense, personal struggle and of perseverance. When I arrived, I wanted to book an immediate ticket home, but instead I stayed. Staying gave me empathy for those who are scared and want to quit. Staying taught me that we are all more the same than we are different. It humbled me. And, it reminded to stay open and vulnerable because growth and evolution always happen outside of my comfort-zone. When I extend myself, I elevate to a higher perspective. 

This originally appeared on VuoriClothing.com. Vuori is an incredible performance apparel brand from my local community. 

The Evolution of JuliaSparkman.com

Alas, JuliaSparkman.com version 3.0 is live — launched perfectly, imperfect. 

From 2013 to 2015,  JuliaSparkman.com was hosted on Wordpress. Last June, I transitioned to Wix.  

Approximately three weeks ago, I received a notice from Wix.com; my renewal payment had been denied. For months, I had wanted to transfer to Square Space and I did not know I was set for an automatic renewal on Wix. Thankfully, my credit card was compromised over the holidays — what seemed to be an inconvenience in November graciously forced me to update my website. 

In Wix’s honor, it’s an easy to use platform and their backend requires little to no effort to function and look clean. Nevertheless, I prefer the look and features of Square Space — the payment decline was just the nudge I needed. While I am confident there will be major changes in weeks to come, I am happy with the updates and the aesthetics of my present rendition. 

I decided to re-write all of the copy on my website before making the change — that included new personal and yoga biographies. 

As I reflected on what I wanted to say, it made me consider why I launched JuliaSparkman.com in the first place. Initially, JuliaSparkman.com was a platform for me to write outside of academia and for me to share my story. Since I was 19, I’ve known I’ve wanted to write a book about my life and I viewed JuliaSparkman.com as an opportunity to practice “speaking” from my authentic voice. 

Shortly after I bought the domain, I began writing two posts a week for an organic, fair-trade incense company and the need for my own site became obsolete — I was being paid to write about yoga and wellness! From 2013 to 2015, JuliaSparkman.com received very little attention from me. I loved writing for myInsens, yet it was not a platform for me to tell my story.

A year ago, I was ready to share “my truth” and I updated to Wix. In hindsight, I was not as ready as I thought — I held back most of my truth and refrained from sharing A LOT of important stories. 

My resistance to put it all out there came from overwhelming fear and shame. It also came from listening to naysayers. Fortunately, I am no longer held back by what anyone else has to say. As of late, I am wholly surrounded by people that ask “why aren’t you sharing your story?” versus “why would you share?” 

For the last six months, I’ve barely written at all. I got tired of writing shallow stories that barely scratched the surface. I also was uninspired by a lack of purpose for the site. While my website is a nice landing page to direct students to find my classes — I wanted to have a greater vision behind my energy investment. 

Even with the templates provided by each host, building a website takes a lot of time and effort. Through building websites, I’ve learned that all a goal takes is a VISION and hard WORK. 

I’m happy to launch this new version with a clear vision in mind: 

A space to share my public yoga classes, teacher trainings, events, and retreats.

AND

A platform to share MY story and the stories of other inspiring beings. 

My stories and the stories of others will be coming soon. I cannot wait to share my heart, soul, and experiences with you. 

Tails from Mowgli

At the end of April, I moved from Mission Hills to Cardiff by the Sea, California. The move was highly intentional and desired. Yet, it happened quickly and it required me to step away from teaching 15+ yoga classes I loved and my grounding morning rituals.  On the morning of May 7th, I rushed out the door to teach two classes at CorePower Yoga Del Mar. There are few things I adore as much as my morning routine and I am still learning how to best incorporate them into my lifestyle in North County. 

After my classes, I arrived home incredibly hangry. Alex and I immediately journeyed to Claire’s on Cedros to eat — completely oblivious to where we would go when we were done eating. There were several dogs on the patio at Claire’s and that led me to asking Alex if we could adopt a kitty.

Unsurprisingly, the conversation shifted to adopting a dog — something I also wanted to do. After we wrapped up lunch, we headed straight to Helen Woodward to “look” at the puppies available for rescue. 

I had initially browsed the Helen Woodward website to coax Alex into adopting a feline friend. As I searched, I noticed one shepherd puppy listed on the page and was eager to meet her. Upon our arrival, that beautiful babe was on her way home with another family. 

I was a bit disappointed until we walked around and I laid eyes on a little black pup. 

When we first met him, Mowgli’s name was “Illinois”. It may have been his floppy ears or the fact that I was born and raised in that state, either way, I was immediately drawn to Mowgli’s cage. We asked to visit with three dogs — Mowgli was the first on the list and the only one we actually met.

From the get-go, it was evident, Mowgli had found a home. After playing with him for less than ten minutes, we were ready to initiate the adoption process. 

We arrived as two and left as three. 

Mowgli was a precious angel for the first twenty-four hours after we brought him home. Quickly, we learned that Mowgli is a lot like his mother — playful, energetic, and mischievous. 

Mowgli’s spirit has reminded me the importance of being curious. His actions encourage me to stop and wonder, “what’s that, why is it there, and what is its purpose?” His curiosity often gets the best of him and he finds himself in trouble. For instance, I see him questioning the taste of the carpet as he goes for the chew. It was cute the first time, I must admit. Now, it challenges my patience.  

Patience has been a lesson I’ve learned from Mowgli throughout the last couple of weeks. Mowgli sincerely does not know any better when he does naughty things. More than anything though, I’ve learned to be patient with life’s transitions and its’ “in-betweens”. Through his antics, Mowgli is teaching me to appreciate the moments that frustrate me. Even though I desperately want a well-trained dog, there is nothing cuter than a puppy and I must savor every [annoying] moment. 

As Mowgli learns the difference between “right” and “wrong”, it’s helped me reflect on the importance of seeking guidance from others. Alex and I have both had dogs in the past, but we’ve never been responsible for training a puppy of our own. Therefore, I find comfort in seeking guidance from trained professionals. In addition to Mowgli, I am finding it equally, if not more beneficial, to seek guidance for myself. It is powerful to admit you do not have all of the answers and to ask someone else for assistance. 

It’s funny, all of the advice I have received for Mowgli has paralleled to my life. Everyone suggests we create a routine and set boundaries. Similar to Mowgli, I am quite wild. Having a routine allows me to ground and strategically prioritize the things that create peace and purpose — like meditation, eating well, yoga, and journalling. 

For me, creating boundaries is challenging — thankfully, Mowgli has demonstrated how necessary they truly are. In the wise words of Brené Brown, “boundaries are a function of self-respect and self-love.”

As Mowgli may not initially understand the boundaries we set, I realize people in my life will also feel put-off by some of my decisions, as well. Nevertheless, as Brown says, “daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”

It’s extremely hard to disappoint a puppy. But, through the boundaries we create,  I’ve learned the power of unconditional love — it supersedes any test of patience, annoyance, or “misbehavior”.

Lastly, bringing Mowgli into my life has reminded me that life happens fast. The morning of May 7th, I had no idea I’d go to bed the owner of a dog. Mowgli has taught me to expect the best — anything and everything is possible.